Six years ago, during the summer before my senior year of high school, I was dating a boy. He was wonderful. My first love. And although we were young, I was certain we’d be together forever. High school sweethearts if you will.
But as every good high school love story goes, it ended and I was devastated. Confused. Angry. Sad. And I felt like my heart had been ripped out.
To make matters worse, a few months after the breakup, I received a phone call from his recently new girlfriend and a mutual friend of theirs. Both of which were two years younger than I was. The girlfriend had added me on social media “thinking I was someone else.” And we talked and I stupidly gave her my number. Anyways…
So they called to tell me that while the boy and I had been dating, he had cheated on me with the friend, who was conveniently there to verify this accusation. After talking and texting with both of these girls for about 2 hours, I believed what they had said. I believed that it was my fault because I didn’t give it up to him. Because I was too clingy. Not pretty enough. Not outgoing enough. Because we didn’t go to the same school. You name it, I felt it. I spent years after that resenting that boy, who had denied the charges against him. So let me introduce the plot twist for this story.
I am now married to that boy, who is now a very mature, wonderful man. And I would be lying if I said that the past did not affect me. For the first few months we were married I fought with my insecurities. Hiding them away from him because I didn’t want him to know I was feeling that way; constantly afraid something better would come along and he’d run after her. And finally the emotional roller coaster I was attempting to deal with on my own became too much. I exploded into a mess of tears and hurt and emotion in front of the man I’d been hiding it from. Every fear and worry I had was on the table. I was the most vulnerable I had ever been in my entire life.
He had reassured me before that what the girls had told me years ago was not at all true. It was never enough to end my insecurities though. And once it exploded, it had already done tremendous damage. I was insecure about everything. Weight, clothes, hair, makeup, breakouts, what I ate, etc. Anything that was said negatively whether joking or not, I took to heart. I couldn’t go anywhere without thinking everyone was better than me and that the man I married would leave me for all my flaws. The insecurity was tearing me apart and starting to put tension in our relationship.
It took months for me to simply get comfortable with discussing the issue with my husband without becoming a blubbering mess. And every time we talked about it, he’d reassure me that he loved me because of who I am, that I’m beautiful, that he never ever cheated, and that he never would. One day, he told me that if I continued to let what these two girls said affect me, that it is going to start causing serious trouble between us. That was the first day that I started to truly recover.
After a year of dealing with all of that, I have come to terms with it. I’m no longer insecure. And not because of just the things he’s saying to me. It’s in his actions. The way he looks at me. The way we are with each other. The way he says I’m beautiful after I had a really good, long, snotty cry. It is also in the way I see myself. I have started working out more to become the person I want to look like physically. I had to better my own self thinking before I could expect to get over things.
The things he started doing are not things he picked up once he realized my insecurities. They are things he has always done, but I was so blinded by the negative thoughts in my head, that I didn’t see them happening around me.
Those girls caused me to be insecure about the way I look. It caused me to develop social anxiety. It caused me to be a clingy girlfriend to future boyfriends. It caused me anxiety about the most unimportant things. But it doesn’t bother me anymore. They don’t bother me anymore. And I hope that anytime they see my name somewhere, that they realize that my love for this man is stronger than any rumor some other jealous, insecure girls start. I have never been so comfortable and secure in a relationship.
Looking back I can see that it was stupid to believe them. I mean, I married the guy for goodness sake. And everyday our relationship gets stronger and closer. I’m not worried about other women, and I don’t get jealous of the retail girl who is simply trying to sell him some jeans.
So to those two girls, I say thank you. Because I no longer care what anyone has to say about me or my relationship. It’s between me and my husband. And those are the only two opinions I care about.