I’m afraid. So much is changing. So many things could happen. The time line is foggy, and that stresses me to the core. I need clarification on where life is going…
The last few days have been very surreal. Not in a remarkably awesome way, or a devastatingly terrible way. I guess a more appropriate word would be weird. Or just strange. Full of thoughts, plans, ideas…many of which I still have no grasp of. In a way, I think my mind is trying to accept that my life is changing, and will be DRASTICALLY changing within the next year.
I can’t really explain what’s going on, one because well, I’m just not supposed to say; and two, I don’t want to jinx the other things that we are working toward.
Clarification:No. I am NOT pregnant. Nor am I trying to be. We are FAR from ready for little us’s to be running around. 🙂
There’s just so many things my brain cannot begin to comprehend this week. Work is insane because of our upcoming evaluation to stay accredited. Stressful. Bills are stacking up because we are actually working on lowering some of them; damn startup and installation fees! I’m desperately trying to get my school to help me get my freaking licensing tests going, but with all the craziness at work during the day, I can barely fathom the idea of having that stressful conversation with the woman who messed it up to begin with! Behind the scenes of my life, there is so much going on that I can’t even talk about. And you are worried about what to wear tomorrow. Lucky. 😉
And I hate to say, but I’m not even sure that I want to do what I do. anymore. I love being a vet tech. But I’m so tired of people not being open and willing to teaching and helping me learn. And I fear that there’s no way I could ever support a family on that kind of pay. (Us veterinary people are not actually trying to scam you out of your money, contrary to popular belief.) There are so many options out there that I still want to explore. Marine biology; something to do with dolphins and whales. A business manager of some kind; I’m unfortunately way too organized and good at paperwork. Running a business with my husband; actually a possibility if we could come up with some money and good business skills. Realty; I’m a good salesgirl when it comes to lotion, houses can’t be much harder. 😛
Just so many things I want to try. But every one of them has cons. I realize how naive that statement may be, and frankly stupid of me to say. Well, duh there’s cons. Everything we do everyday has a con. We could fall down the stairs taking the trash out, pick up Valley Fever from doing yard work in Arizona, get in an accident on our way to get milk. Does that mean we don’t do those things? No. We still do. Because we have to. We have to survive and live on. What good does living in fear do us? None.
That’s still a concept I’m trying to teach myself. I have succeeded at times, especially with my insecurity. But I am constantly in this strange limbo state when it comes to my career. I want to do something rewarding. Something that someone looks up to me for. Something that lets me live a financially comfortable life and provide for my family. Something that is satisfying to me. That I’m proud to do. But I still don’t know what that is.
Perhaps it’s everything else that’s going on that is making me stress. I am beginning to realize how much life is going to change. Especially once we are able to move home, whenever that may be. We want to buy a house. A place of our own. I could barely afford an apartment with two roommates when I was working 3 jobs. How will I ever be able to afford a house on one?! And don’t get me started on insurance! Just looking up prices gave me a panic attack.
Maybe I’ve learned to rely on the military too much. As strongly as I dislike it, it does provide so much to us, mostly stability and this feeling of a safety cushion. Steady, guaranteed paychecks, healthcare, job security. It’s all amazing. But one day it will all be gone. And we’ll be normal people again. “Civilians,” if you will.
And just like all of the other civilians, we WILL make it work.
I realize everyday that the world is so much more worse off than I can imagine. And I realize that there are people who get paid less than I do, who are raising children as a single parent, providing food to their pets before they feed themselves…and they are still making it. So why can’t we?
Fear is a funny thing. And if we let it consume us, it will kill us from the inside out. I can’t control fate. I am so grateful to the universe for taking me down this path it has. But I know that I have little say in how the rest will play out, only try to steer it in the direction I want. I think sometimes you just have to surrender to what’s going on around you. Not in a white flag-I give up kind of way. But more of a “what happens, happens” way, and you just roll with it and see where it takes you.